15 things the vertically enhanced can do better

At almost 5′ 12″ I apparently qualify as a vertically enhanced human and I was reminded of this fact over the weekend by my very observant in-laws. Every single time they see me they inevitability say, “Boy, you are really, really tall”.

My husband’s Aunt also tactfully pointed out that I may have even gotten taller since the last time she’d seen me. Perhaps I was just elongating for primal purposes.

Luckily I was able to come up with 15 things people (like me) can do better than the vertically challenged folks (i.e. my in-laws).

  1. We can see your bald spot.
  2. We can put the star on the Christmas tree.
  3. We can touch Mars when we wear heels.
  4. All our jeans are capri pants.
  5. We can make amazing snow angels.
  6. We can date Mick Jagger.
  7. We can wear drag queen shoes.
  8. We can make big foot tracks.
  9. The air is better up here.
  10. We don’t need a step stool to get in our SUV.
  11. We can reach the pedal.
  12. We can drive with our head sticking out of the sunroof.
  13. That top shelf? Not a problem, ever.
  14. Playing keep away is fun and ridiculously easy.
  15. We can out walk our in-laws. Eat our dust…

And yes, next year I expect that my height will remain stable.

How to have a Happy Thanksgiving without throwing anyone out the window

If you’re not one of those perky, perfect Wal-Mart pioneer woman commercial families (and who is?) than follow me. I’ve got some real world advice for handling Thanksgiving dinner with the relatives that won’t leave you crying, jumping out the window or heading for the liquor store.

Check out my Thanksgiving Family Dinner Solutions for the real world.

If this happens: Little Joey show up blowing green bubbles out of his nose and hacking up a lung. i.e. Sickness has invaded your home.

Solution: After years of having the walking dead show up at my house for Thanksgiving dinner I enacted “Code Green”. If someone enters my home with an illness I whisper “Activate Code Green for Joey” which means…

  1. Don’t touch the sick kid.
  2. Don’t touch anyone else who has touched the sick kid.
  3. Don’t go within a 2.4 foot radius of the sick kid.
  4. Don’t share food, toys, furniture or the dog with the sick kid.
  5. Don’t look the sick kid in the eye (he might approach you).

This actually works pretty good in years past. Lastly, don’t worry about offending anyone with “Code Green”. Better safe than sick.

If this happens: A mean person shows up.

Solution: Mean people suck and they come in all forms…the nasty sister-in-law, the angry spouse, the disgruntled Uncle…you know who I’m talking about, we all have them. Here’s what I do. It’s very subtle!

Blast a little Bruno Mars on the sound system. Not only a catchy tune and but the lyrics are pretty straight forward and will make you feel better about said nasty person. The cool part about this solution is that you’ll feel better walking around singing this song in your head and the nasty one won’t be the wiser! Or better yet loop the video on the TV!

If this happens: Aunt Sally tries to get you to man the kid table. Why there has to be a responsible adult at the kid table is beyond me. I mean so what if they make a mess? Also sitting at the kid table violates Code Green, “Don’t go within a 2.4 foot radius of the sick kid”. So whatever you do don’t get suckered in to sitting at the kid table.

Solution: This involves math. Under no circumstances do you put an extra chair at the kid table. Smash those little buggers in like sardines. This way no adult can be seated at said table. If Aunt Sally insists take away her big people chair and let her share a seat with the sick kid. That’ll teach her to butt in.

If this happens: People won’t leave! You slave away for hours making dinner and all you want to do after enduring hours with the family is get in bed, watch Harry Potter and eat Jelly Belly’s.

Solution: Fein illness. Nothing clears a crowd faster than some fake vomiting. Go in the bathroom. Make some retching noises and look clammy when you come out. Voila! Room cleared. Commence Harry Potter marathon.

I hope these simple tips help others in need.

May The Force Be With You!