I’m typically a cheerful human, even in the morning but today something so awful happened I just wanted to go back to bed and cry. As I was reading my morning news I found out that those bastards at Starbucks cancelled Christmas. How dare they. I’m devastated. I’m not even sure a Harry Potter marathon is going to get me out of this funk.
Why or why Starbucks?
You know that when late October rolls around that reindeers and jolly Santa’s and Christmas trees and Olaf start showing up on the shelves. But you Startbucks, you broke my heart without nary a consideration for my feelings. Was your PR and marketing team just asleep that day? Did you pull an Elf? Did some numbnut like Walter Hobbs sign off on a blank page? No one who makes a Skinny Peppermint Mocha like Starbucks can hate Christmas right?
The harsh reality is starting to sink in.
These next 44 days are going to be bleak my friends. When I pass a Starbucks or God forbid see a hand holding a plain red cup I may just burst into tears. This isn’t fair.
At least Donald Trump cares.
The light of my morning came a few minutes ago when I saw this. Donald cares! Phooey on foreign policy, be damned the budget, stick it to Starbucks man. You go Donald,”I guarantee if I become president, we’re going to be saying ‘Merry Christmas’ at every store”.
And don’t even get me started on that Pumpkin Spice Latte hater democrat who’s got H.C. etched into her red cup. No one puts Pumpkin Spice in the corner.
And so it goes.
I feel the need to queue up a sad song list that starts out with a little Morrissey right now. After all, we know that the true meaning of Christmas lies in the red cup and that Christmas is ruined this year.
The light at the end of the tunnel.
Thank goodness we’ve got Black Friday to look forward to, that should help take our minds off of the war on Christmas.